IMAO

Saturday Night Hootenanny
A Pre-Hootenanny, Because Walrus Is Back in the DJ Booth
Even Charles Manson Could Spot Loonies, Using This Test
Another Promoted Comment: Oppopression
Health Advice
Improve the Bible
Promoted Comments: Biden Speaks
Straight Line of the Day: Ford Has Created A Fragrance Designed To Smell Like Gasoline. Similar Fragrance Innovations: …
Welcome to IMAO! And Here Comes The Green Deal’s Model 99… I Mean, Model 66.
Double or Nothing on a Masters?

Saturday Night Hootenanny

Posted: 31 Jul 2021 04:00 PM PDT

I am back, but not mentally. I feel the need for…

MUSIC!

And we finish up with a In Memoriam.

A Pre-Hootenanny, Because Walrus Is Back in the DJ Booth

Posted: 31 Jul 2021 03:00 PM PDT

Here’s what a Hootenanny would’ve looked like in the good old days:

♩♪

♩♪

♩♪

I sure miss the good old days.

Ladies were ladies, and you could tell that just by looking at them.

Gentlemen were gentlemen! They never tweeted someone else while on a date. (If they did tweet, they certainly kept it successfully to themselves until Twitter was invented.)

Definitions, back then, were tautologies.

Black and white photos could coexist.

Sure, there was some music — and wars — you wouldn’t enjoy today, but you could say that about yesterday, and tomorrow, too. Well, I m not sure — you might get banned from Twitter for hate speech. (They left out the “We” in that, by the way.)

But the point is, while dancing with your darling to the Tennessee Waltz, you could at least be sure that she was genuine, pure, and good. Like a dream. Until we all woke.

Even Charles Manson Could Spot Loonies, Using This Test

Posted: 31 Jul 2021 02:00 PM PDT

Submitted by Slapout:

Another Promoted Comment: Oppopression

Posted: 31 Jul 2021 01:00 PM PDT

WDS noted what you probably have observed in your daily life: you oppressed someone just by leaving your house today.

This can’t be right. You have to stop oppressing people this way.

When you shut the door or turn the key, have your considered that you are keeping out those who require a couple of square meals and your wife’s jewelry?

When you go downstairs, are you thinking about the crooks in wheelchairs who can’t make the ascent?

You are therefore a bad person. As bad as the folks on ADT commercials who hide their stuff from all-white intruders. Or should that be “all white intruders”? They never clarify that.

Unfortunately, intruders are a fact of life. While you oppress those who visit your house while you are away, you may want to consider what to do when they visit while you are not away. The Supreme Court has struggled with this, time after time: the words “the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed” are very, very confusing, and require centuries of legal thinking.

So much so, that you and the person who entered your home uninvited will long be dead before they come to any conclusion.

Health Advice

Posted: 31 Jul 2021 12:00 PM PDT

Here at IMAO, we don’t want you to catch a cold or anything,

Before your lawyer fact-checks us, or the media slaps us with a lawsuit, we’d like to say that we don’t know everything about health. We’d like to say that, but it isn’t true.

You have to take care of your health! Here’s how: don’t touch or breathe in anything. This is tough in these trying times, and certainly in your kitchen, but if you follow these simple guidelines you will survive until 2128, which has its own downside.

The cough, the common cold — and its Biden cousin, undue influenza — have been with us for years, and have even taken lives, kind of grossly. You don’t want to be in that number, no matter how jazzy it sounds in a marching band in crime-ridden New Orleans or even more crime-ridden Disneyland.

Avioding those two places is suggestion number one for living a prolonged life.

Suggestion number two is don’t try to get ahead in politics like Kamala Harris did. Blecch.

Nowadays, you also have to worry about a disease called COVID. Not much is known about it, since it hasn’t been in the news very much. But the fact that it is spelled in all capital letters should alert you to the fact that it matters.

You should breathe your own exhalations, and under no circumstances visit loved ones even if they are dying. And you should let strangers mail in votes to your district, whether or not they live there. Because verifying that would be racist.

I think that about covers your health. Oh, and don’t ask anyone about their AIDS status, but ask everyone you know about their vaccination status. Yes, that’ll do it.

Also, if you go to the Olympics, pay attention to this warning which has since been removed from the CNN website. I don’t know why CNN removed it, but they did:

An Olympic Runner Says a Tainted Burrito She Ate Led to Positive Test for Steroid Use
CNN | 6/16/2021 | Jill Martin and Hollie Silverman
Olympic runner Shelby Houlihan said she has been banned from the sport for four years following a positive test for anabolic steroids that she attributes to eating a pork burrito. Houlihan said she was devastated to learn of the suspension from the Athletics Integrity Unit (AIU), an independent body that combats doping, after she tested positive for nandrolone.
Houlihan said in a post on Instagram Monday that a burrito she ate before the test contained pig organ meat, or offal, which she said can lead to a positive test for nandrolone. A study funded by the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA)…

If you have to go before WADA, consider your life choices.

Improve the Bible

Posted: 31 Jul 2021 11:00 AM PDT

Windbag got me thinking about how we could improve the Bible.

I mean, it’s thousands of years old. You wouldn’t trust an internal combustion engine that old, would you?

Well, the Bible is (figuratively) an internal combustion engine.

So, how can we improv — I mean, improve — it?

“Thou Shalt Not Kill” — seems dated. Why not replace it with a penumbra found in the Constitutiom? Women have this right!

“Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me” — Oh — That’s just kookie talk. Ask celebrities.

I could go on and on — especially about coveting — but you’d get all covetous. To conclude, to improve the Bible, all you have to do is re-write it suit your needs. It’s your Word, after all.

Promoted Comments: Biden Speaks

Posted: 31 Jul 2021 10:00 AM PDT

Too good to pass up, from Biscuit:

“Back when Biden was driving 18-wheelers…I would ride a cow to the moon with a big magnifying glass. I would use that to melt that delicious, delicious cheese and make moon nachos, which I would sell in a stand on the side of the highway. 'Ol Foggy-Bottom Joe use to love stopping for my moon nachos and a nice leg rub.”

… and from Dohtimes, too good not to get on the NSA’s watchlist:

Back when Biden was driving 18-Wheelers:

…fake ballots had to be delivered the old fashioned way.
….was before the time everything was called you know, the thing, and pudding was yet to be one of the one basic food group.
…Donald Trump was driving a thirty-six wheeler.