I have not written a blog entry in almost 6 months. When I fell off my bike last July, and shattered my left shoulder, I didn't realize that so much more of me felt shattered.
While I could write pages about what it was life living through the pain and recovery from a complicated surgery, there were other obstacles that I didn't see coming.
I noticed immediately that I was unable to read, focus, write a blog entry, or look for new recipes. This made me feel completely disconnected from myself.
Before my accident, I considered myself to be emotionally stable. That all changed. While one day I was amazed at my progress and how well I was doing, the next day, I was stunned at how little I could do. I had that sinking feeling that I was going nowhere and that I would never get anywhere. This emotional turmoil wreaked havoc on my spirit. I couldn't believe how much time and effort it took to keep myself feeling level.
I am a personal trainer--a strong women who prides herself in having both inner and outer strength. I no longer felt physically strong and that, too, felt shattering. I had (have) to constantly talk myself off the ledge—strive diligently to get perspective and keep persevering. Keep moving forward. Keep fighting. It is exhausting to show up for myself every day.
I have learned some big lessons in these past few months that I would like to share with you—especially if you are recovering from an injury, surgery or emotional unrest:
- Support is key. Given that I couldn't drive for 2 months, couldn't lift a thing, and could barely take care of my basic needs, I needed to reach out and ask for help. I DID NOT WANT TO DO THIS!! Asking for help felt daunting and embarrassing. If you, too, feel this way, you have to put your ego aside and just do it. Once I did, I was amazed at how my clients/friends/family showed up for me in indescribable ways. I was overwhelmed (almost daily and with tears) with gratitude. If you don't have a support system, do your best to try and create one. (Online therapy and/or support groups could be helpful.)
- Keep doing the things that make you happy—just modify. While I love to cook, cooking was extremely challenging. Instead of not cooking, I either made simpler dishes or asked people to help me with the food prep. Instead of ordering my groceries online, I asked clients/friends/family to take me food shopping, which gave me a sense of normalcy. Three weeks after my accident, I started working. Initially, I only saw a few people a day. I couldn't lift a thing or demonstrate exercises, but somehow I figured out a new way. Working kept me sane—it made me feel in control, and it turned out to be the best healing tool for my fragile psyche. It saved me.
- Keep laughing. For me, having a sense of humor and being able to laugh AND laugh at myself is the only way to get through life. Given that I will need to have physical therapy for about a year, I found a wonderful PT who has an incredible sense of humor. Physical therapy is GRUELING with this kind of shoulder injury. I feel like a cartoon character seeing stars as the PT manipulates my arm. I leave each session feeling shattered and exhausted. But because my PT and I can laugh together, I actually look forward to our sessions.
Don't get me wrong, I still have awful days—days where I am full of despair and where I feel like I'm still going nowhere. But I am doing my best to take one day at a time. I know I will never be the same, but I am determined to get as far as I can. And who knows what else I will learn about myself along the way. I am slowly but surely putting the pieces back of my shattered self.
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