Saturday, June 4, 2022

Eater - All

Eater - All

What’s the Next Big Thing in American Snack Culture?

Posted: 03 Jun 2022 09:32 AM PDT

A pile of wrapped snacks, candies, and drinks.

This year's Sweets and Snacks Expo revealed some upcoming snack trends, like s'mores popcorn, Jell-O gummies, and more Flamin' Hot stuff

The annual Sweets and Snacks Expo rolled into Chicago last week, filling the usually sober McCormick Place convention center with giant posters, plush mascots, branded race cars, and smiling salespeople distributing bite-sized samples in pleated paper cups. There were chocolate bars, chocolate truffles, marshmallows, jelly beans, gummies, regular Skittles, dehydrated Skittles, crunchy fruit, frozen fruit, nut butter, actual nuts, snack mixes, popcorn, energy drinks, protein bars, aggressively strong mints, aggressively sour sourballs, aggressively Flamin' Hot cheese puffs, jerkies made from the flesh of all sorts of animals and a few fruits and vegetables besides, and chips of every persuasion: potato, corn, plantain, sweet potato, beet, bean, parsnip, dragonfruit, and carrot.

It was a spectacle, full of color and flashing lights, the hum of sales and promotion, and the scent of artificial sugar pumped in by Hershey's to simulate the smell of a candy factory. The sweets and snacks industry generates $37 billion in sales every year, a number that is projected to rise to $45 billion by 2026 according to the National Confectioners Association, which sponsors the expo. And while the purpose of the expo is to keep the sales machine going by encouraging stores and wholesalers to place generous orders, it's also to highlight the Next New Thing that Americans will be devouring. Those "new" things follow the long-standing trend of simply rehashing a flavor that's already familiar: Expect a lot of s'mores, more brand mash-ups, and yes, Still More Flamin' Hot flavor to hit shelves in the coming months.

A large expo floor studded with colorful booths, many with large banners and ads.

S'mores were overwhelmingly the most popular "new" flavor, overpowering even birthday cake and churros. "I think everyone wants a taste of summer," says NCA spokeswoman Lauren O'Toole Boland. Everything that could be s'morified was, from candy bars and chocolate bunnies to popcorn and Rice Krispies treats to the venerable Keebler Fudge Stripes cookies, which now come with a bonus tub of marshmallow fluff for dipping. But the vast majority of these s'mores are just combinations of marshmallow, chocolate, and graham crackers — without the gooeyness or burned-sugar flavor that makes real s'mores so delicious. The product that received the most attention was Stuffed Puffs, a brand of marshmallows stuffed with solid chocolate designed not to melt, even over a campfire. This year, the brand introduced Big Bites, which are nothing more than the signature product rolled in graham cracker crumbs: the s'more deconstructed and cleaned up for snacking on the go. (There are Oreo and birthday cake flavors as well.)

What s'morifying actually does is make a sweet thing even sweeter. Americans want more intensity of flavors, says Boland. They want more sourness and more saltiness and more… moreness.

That impulse is the driver behind the recent Flamin' Hot-ification of the world, and the official chip of the 2022 Sweets and Snacks Expo, available to all convention-goers in bins just outside the sales floor, was Flamin' Hot Cool Ranch Doritos, a combination of Frito-Lay's two most popular flavors. (It tastes like a classic Cool Ranch Dorito, but the Flamin' Hot seasoning makes the mouth burn for a few minutes longer.) But that was far from the only unholy union on display. This year, the general philosophy embraced by sweets and snacks manufacturers seemed to be: If something is popular, why not combine it with something else that is also popular, which, by the laws of mathematics, will make it twice as popular?

A display for
Recognizable brands are getting spun off into different contexts: Oreos and Twix in popcorn form? Sure!

Two instant breakfast classics, Eggo waffles and Pop Tarts, married and spawned Eggo Pop Tarts, which taste like maple syrup. Bazooka took a page from Fun Dip and reconfigured its Juicy Drop in stick form, packaged with a sour gel dip that is supposed to enhance the flavor. Froot Loops cereal, Peeps, and Jell-O launched new gummy candies — all of which were designed to taste like the originals, and, in the case of the Froot Loops and Peeps, look like them, too — while Oreos adopted the texture of a snack cake for Oreo Cakesters. Cheez-Its have gotten bulked up and puffy, like Cheetos, except they are still in neat squares, not bulbous rods, while Apple Jacks grew larger to become a bona fide snack food (which is how many parents of small children have been serving them for years).

Such was the case throughout the rest of the expo. Some of the most truly innovative products — such as Carrot Bacon, a crunchy air-dried snack manufactured by a friendly Canadian named Tyler Steeves, and Crack Corn, a kernel-free and orthodontia-friendly popcorn that comes in flavors like French toast and chili lime — were overshadowed by the larger corporations with larger marketing budgets, who were offering nothing truly new, but simply mashing together two famous brands or reworking beloved snacks into slightly different forms.

Will something not Cool Ranched or gummied ever be embraced by Big Food the same way mangos, lime, hot peppers, Tajín seasoning, crispy seaweed, and gluten- and fat-free everything have? Or will they disappear into the netherworld of forgotten snacks? Perhaps it all depends on whether they can be combined with Flamin' Hot salt or good old s'mores.

The 38 Essential Honolulu Restaurants

Posted: 03 Jun 2022 08:26 AM PDT

Rectangular fried wedges of potato croquettes, served on a plate with a small bowl of uni, alongside a white cocktail
Croquettes and uni at Bar Māze. | Bar Māze

From squid lū'au at a James Beard America's Classics winner to biscuits with mapo gravy at a modern Hawai'i food hangout, here's where to eat in Honolulu

Outside interests have made money in Hawai'i for centuries, including in food. Waves of restaurateurs from the continental U.S. and abroad have opened restaurants in Honolulu, with everyone from Japanese conglomerates to Michael Mina setting up shop. But simultaneously, Honolulu's homegrown businesses have been able to ride the most recent wave of excitement to expand themselves. In the last decade, tiny mom-and-pop restaurants opened second locations, while established local chains expanded their reach. More and more chefs have worked to learn about Hawai'i's history and culture to respectfully incorporate aspects into their restaurants. That is to say, diners in Honolulu are a bit spoiled for choice.

Updated, June 2022:

COVID-19 hasn't entirely dampened the culinary momentum the island saw going into 2020. New restaurants continue to open, while both local and foreign eateries fight to stay in business as many places close around them. As summer approaches, locals and visitors are packing restaurants. They're taking advantage of renewed freedom, as the last of the dining restrictions have lifted, but also one welcome holdover from the pandemic: More restaurants continue to offer outdoor seating. To make sure this list reflects the ever-changing nature of Honolulu's vibrant dining scene, we update the Eater 38 on a quarterly basis.

Health experts consider dining out to be a high-risk activity for the unvaccinated; it also poses a risk for the vaccinated, especially in areas with substantial COVID transmission.

Martha Cheng is the food editor at Honolulu Magazine, the author of The Poke Cookbook, and a writer for national publications.

Bad Bunny Is Opening a Japanese Steakhouse in Miami

Posted: 03 Jun 2022 07:36 AM PDT

A Malted Milk No-Bake Cheesecake Recipe That’s Perfect for Summer

Posted: 03 Jun 2022 07:12 AM PDT

A malted milk cheesecake, accompanied by two slices served on plates.
Celeste Noche/Eater

No-bake cheesecake with all the creaminess of regular cheesecake, no oven required

Confession: I'm a late convert to cheesecake. Call it personal growth or the evolution of my palate, but what I once thought of as a cloyingly rich chunk of sweetened cream cheese disguised as a slice of cake has become one of the first items I look for on any dessert menu. Still, the idea of dealing with cracked tops and water baths is never more unappealing than on a hot summer day. And a failed cheesecake is an expensive mistake to make, given the cost of ingredients. So when I learned that there was supposedly a foolproof way to forgo the entire baking process and still end up with a comparably delicious cheesecake, my interest was piqued.

On the topic of confessions, I've always classified no-bake desserts as second-tier shortcuts, an acceptable but rarely memorable Plan B — but let's just say my first bite of no-bake cheesecake was enough to reverse any preconceived notions about the whole topic and fully sell me on the oven-free life. As a no-bake cheesecake newbie, these four recipes served as my sources and references during recipe development, and though I went into this process with measured expectations, the malted milk no-bake cheesecake I met on the other side turned out creamier and dreamier than I could've imagined. Remind me why we ever needed ovens?

The method for no-bake cheesecake is easy-breezy — the only equipment you'll need is a stand mixer or hand mixer. After making a simple crumb crust (I initially used Nilla wafers, but decided on slightly more nuanced digestive biscuits, an ingredient I discovered through Chetna Makan), room-temperature cream cheese and creme fraiche, which offered a more pleasant tang than mascarpone per my first test, are whipped together until smooth. Powdered sugar, malted milk powder, lemon juice, vanilla, and salt are beaten in, then everything is gently folded with freshly whipped cream to produce a luscious filling. Spread the mixture over the crust, cover the pan with plastic wrap, stick it in the fridge to chill overnight (honestly the hardest part), and tuck into a slice of cheesecake the next day. It's almost too good to be true.

I love this no-bake cheesecake because not only is it a cinch to make, but it also tastes like cheesecake, not a cheesecake knockoff. Sure, it's lighter and fluffier than dense New York-style varieties, but it's still delightfully rich and creamy, and the milk powder lends a malty undertone that pairs perfectly with the creme fraiche (no one-note flavors here). A generous layer of the nutty, not-too-sweet crumb crust rounds it all out, making for a supremely balanced dessert that rivals its painstakingly baked (and babysat) counterparts. This recipe proves that no-bake is no second-rate citizen in the baking world; now that I'm a believer, you can bet that I'll be giving my oven a break this summer.

Malted Milk No-Bake Cheesecake Recipe

Makes one 9-inch cheesecake

Ingredients:

For the crust:

1 ½ cups plus 2 tablespoons finely-ground digestive biscuits crumbs (this works out to 200 grams, or a half package; if you can't find digestive biscuits, use graham crackers)
2 tablespoons (14 grams) powdered sugar
5 tablespoons (71 grams) unsalted butter, melted

For the cheesecake:

2 8-ounce packages full-fat cream cheese, at room temperature
6 tablespoons (85 grams) creme fraiche, at room temperature
1 ½ cups (170 grams) powdered sugar, sifted if clumpy
¼ cup (35 grams) malted milk powder
1 tablespoon freshly squeezed lemon juice
¾ teaspoon vanilla extract
¼ teaspoon kosher salt
1 ⅓ cups (303 grams) heavy whipping cream, cold

Instructions:

Step 1: Make the crumb crust: In a large bowl, mix the biscuit crumbs, powdered sugar, and melted butter until they're uniformly combined and the mixture holds together when you squeeze it with your hand. Pour the mixture into a 9-inch springform pan and firmly press the mixture into the bottom of the pan, using a flat-bottomed cup or measuring cup to assist in packing the crumbs into an even layer. Transfer the pan to the freezer to chill while you prepare the cheesecake filling.

Step 2: Make the cheesecake filling: In a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment (or a large bowl with an electric hand mixer) beat the cream cheese and creme fraiche until smooth, creamy, and lump-free.

Step 3: Scrape down the bowl and add the powdered sugar, malted milk powder, lemon juice, vanilla, and salt. Briefly "pulse" the mixture a few times with the stand mixer before increasing the speed (to prevent powdered sugar from flying everywhere; if using a hand mixer, start the mixer on low speed), then whip everything together until smooth. Scrape down the bowl and whip once more to ensure the mixture is well-combined.

Step 4: Thoroughly scrape the cream cheese mixture into a large bowl. Pour the heavy cream into the same bowl that the cream cheese mixture was just in (no need to wash it) and use the whisk attachment (or the same hand mixer) to whip the cream until it forms stiff peaks (don't take the whipping too far — the cream shouldn't be grainy). In four additions, gently fold the whipped cream into the cream cheese mixture until uniformly incorporated and no streaks remain.

Step 5: Remove the prepared springform pan from the freezer and scrape the filling into the crust, making sure to spread the filling all the way to the edges. Use a small offset spatula to smooth the top.

Step 6: Carefully cover the pan with plastic wrap, being careful not to let the plastic touch the surface of the cheesecake. Refrigerate the cake for at least 6 hours (I strongly recommend chilling it overnight, if possible), until set and sliceable.

Step 7: When ready to serve, gently release the sides of the springform pan and use a sharp knife to cut the cheesecake into slices. For clean slices, wipe down your knife with a warm, damp towel in between each cut. The cheesecake will keep for 2 to 3 days in the fridge, covered with plastic wrap.

Joy Cho is a freelance writer, recipe developer, and pastry chef based in New York City.
Celeste Noche is a Filipino American food, travel, and portrait photographer based between Portland, Oregon, and San Francisco.
Recipe tested by Ivy Manning

The Humble Pecan Sparks the Revival of Iconic Southern Road Trip Brand Stuckey’s

Posted: 03 Jun 2022 06:52 AM PDT

A Recipe for Romesco Verde That Makes Crudites Pop

Posted: 03 Jun 2022 06:30 AM PDT

Hands reaching to sample a big platter of crudites with romesco verde.
Jessica Pettway/Princeton Architectural Press

Improve your picnic platter game with this recipe from the beloved New York restaurant Lil' Deb's Oasis

Given our love of dips at Eater, we were thrilled to find this recipe for crudites with romesco sauce in Please Wait to Be Tasted, the new cookbook from the team behind the beloved Hudson, New York, restaurant Lil' Deb's Oasis. A giant platter of romesco sauce fringed with raw vegetables is arguably the apotheosis of dip, and one that translates beautifully to outdoor entertaining. Here, as chefs and authors Carla Kaya Perez-Gallardo, Hannah Black, and Wheeler write, the classic Catalonian sauce is made with "pistachios, green bell peppers, and parsley to give it garden goddess qualities." It's perfect for this time of year, when vegetables are particularly bountiful. The Lil' Deb's team has plenty of suggestions for which ones to use, but the only rule of thumb is to go where inspiration takes you — so long as you take some care in preparing the crudites for presentation. Raw vegetables need love too, after all.

Crudites With Romesco Verde Recipe

Makes 1 party platter

Ingredients:

Romesco Verde:

3 green bell peppers
1 cup chopped flat-leaf parsley
1 cup roasted pistachios
1⁄4 cup white wine vinegar
Zest and juice of 1 lemon
4 garlic cloves
1 fresh serrano chile pepper
2 tablespoons salt
1 cup extra-virgin olive oil
Crudites

Instructions:

Make the romesco verde:

Step 1: Under a broiler or on a grill, blacken the green bell peppers, using tongs to rotate the peppers for an even char. Once the skin has blackened but not burned, put the peppers in a bowl, cover with plastic wrap, and steam for at least 10 minutes.

Step 2: When the peppers have cooled, gently rub your fingers along the charred skin to remove it. Cut the peppers into slivers, discarding the ribs and seeds. Transfer to a blender or food processor then add the parsley, pistachios, vinegar, lemon zest and juice, garlic, serrano pepper, and salt and blend until a rough paste has formed. With the blender or processor running, gradually add the olive oil and continue blending to fully incorporate. Refrigerate until ready to serve or store in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to a week.

Make the crudites:

OK, so the next step is crucial and we encourage you to find joy in the process of preparing crudités for presentation. At the restaurant, we argue over who gets to clean the vegetables because the process is so meditative and relaxing. All you need is cool water in the sink or in a bowl, dishcloth or paper towels, a peeler, and a paring knife. Then consider each vegetable's form and how best to clean and cut them to produce a dynamic variety of shapes and sizes. We have some suggestions to make these beautiful vegetables even more beautiful:

  • radishes: keep them whole; remove their outer leaves, but leave their inner dainty leaves intact
  • peel carrots and then cut them on the bias
  • rinse fennel and remove its tough outer layer, before cutting it vertically to reveal its gorgeous, angel-like wings
  • peel strips of cucumber skin lengthwise to create alternating rows and then cut into batons
  • remove the outer layers of scallions, revealing their bright white skin, and trim their tops at a slight angle to accentuate their zesty personalities
  • peel jícama and cut into rods or rounds
  • serve peas and runner beans raw or blanched in salted, boiling water for 30 seconds and then shocked in an ice bath for 1 minute to bring out their deeper green hues
  • for extra crunch, prepare cauliflower or broccoli raw or blanched

To serve: Select a large, flat-ish platter and schmear a generous amount of romesco down the middle, on a curved line. Arrange vegetables, creating zones of color—this is an art form after all! To distribute color and form throughout the platter, don't be afraid to place veggies in different areas on the board more than once.

Reprinted with permission from Please Wait to Be Tasted: The Lil' Deb's Oasis Cookbook by Carla Kaya Perez-Gallardo, Hannah Black, and Wheeler, copyright © 2022. Published by Princeton Architectural Press.
Photography copyright: Jessica Pettway © 2022.

Restaurant-Quality Wine, Delivered to Your Door Every Month? Yes, Please.

Posted: 02 Jun 2022 02:43 PM PDT

Photography by Ian Loring Shiver

Sign up for Eater Wine Club, a monthly wine subscription

One of the things we love most about food is wine. Specifically, the bottle or glass that you order to go along with snacks at your favorite bar, or a multi-course dinner at that fancy place in town. It's wine that's selected by someone who knows what they're doing — a professional who understands how to decode a label and what kind of grapes will make your food taste that much better. So, we wondered, what if we made it possible to experience that kind of hospitality right at home?

Paula de Pano is hosting Eater Wine Club in June.

Say hello to Eater Wine Club, a monthly wine subscription box. Our extensive network of local editors are helping us tap sommeliers and beverage directors from some of our favorite restaurants, bars, and shops to curate a new experience each month. Sign up and you'll get a box full of surprising and highly-drinkable wines on your doorstep every month, plus exclusive tips and expertise from each month's host via a Club member newsletter.

For June, our curator is Paula de Pano, the founder and owner behind Rocks + Acid, a Chapel Hill wine shop and bar opening this summer. Paula recently rediscovered the endless varieties, techniques, and styles that make Australian wine what it is, so her takeover is a showcase of a few of her favorites. Head here to learn more about Paula and her wine picks. Then join the club and invite your friends — from the one who geeks out over cool labels to the one who just wants you to hand them a glass of something delicious that'll make their food pop. See you there!

Food Network Star Molly Yeh Is Opening a Restaurant in Minnesota

Posted: 02 Jun 2022 11:13 AM PDT

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Posted: 02 Jun 2022 09:57 AM PDT

The Campiest, Crumbiest Way to Celebrate the Queen’s Jubilee: Tea and Biscuits, Naturally

Posted: 02 Jun 2022 06:54 AM PDT

A box full of iced biscuits shaped like corgis, horses, and other Platinum Jubilee-iconography in a shop window
Buckingham Palace x Biscuiteers Platinum Jubilee biscuits.

Pinkies up

If Elizabeth II, the queen regnant of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, is still alive come Thursday, June 2, her subjects are in for a real treat: a four-day weekend marking 70 years of her reign. Known as the Platinum Jubilee, the anniversary of the queen's ascent to the throne on February 6, 1952 will be celebrated all year, and in typical British ways over the long weekend: holiday in Greece or Mallorca for some; Swiss roll drenched in custard and slathered in Jell-O for others. Some of us will eat lunch in the middle of the street. However one chooses to observe, money will be spent.

With Brexit done (sort of) and COVID over (according to the government), there's nothing to do but kick back and enjoy the great British pastime of being sold some crap. Unsurprisingly, much of it is food and dining-related. Royal pageantry is often accompanied by the ceremony of an Important Meal, after all. If the queen's 1953 anointment in Westminster Abbey gave the world anything meaningful aside from 70 years of this, it was probably coronation chicken, a dish of cold poultry dressed in a pale-yellow curry cream sauce.

The dish was developed by Rosemary Hume of L'Ecole du Petit Cordon Bleu in London along with notable florist Constance Spry, and served to 350 guests, mostly foreign dignitaries, at a luncheon where it was listed on the menu as Poulet Reine Elizabeth. Most people probably don't know the words to Handel's "Zadok the Priest," but now every British supermarket sells a sandwich with coronation chicken filling; it also comes in tubs, and dog food.

But, that was 70 years ago, and it's not special anymore. (Did you hear about the dog food?) Luckily, certain things are so timeless and enduring that they transcend mere specialness and become representative of not so much national character as the character a nation intentionally projects. In 2020, Laurie Penny wrote in an essay called "Tea, Biscuits, and Empire: The Long Con of Britishness" of how Britain's cultural products are window dressing on a rotting structure. "There is a narrative chasm between the twee and borderless dreamscape of fantasy Britain and actual, material Britain, where rents are rising and racists are running brave," Penny wrote. "The chasm is wide, and a lot of people are falling into it. The omnishambles of British politics is what happens when you get scared and mean and retreat into the fairytales you tell about yourself."

The con identified in the title of Penny's essay zeroes in on tea and biscuits, the things being sold by most brands this year to commemorate the Jubilee: instruments to take tea, and cookies to eat with it. From a distance, these seem like neutral symbols, a commonality across divides. In fact, tea and biscuits are products of colonialism, with tea imported to Britain from far-flung locales, and sugar notoriously coming into the country as a product of the Atlantic slave trade. And the chasm that Penny describes, the gap between the myth and the reality, is best represented in Platinum Jubilee souvenirs.

So whatever your aesthetic (one does not say "vibe"), some retailer is selling a Jubilee tin of biscuits suited to you along with something commemorative to drink your tea out of.

A note about terminology: If Paul Hollywood has taught us anything, it's that a biscuit is a very specific type of cookie, with a requisite snap. I haven't watched Bake Off in years, but when I transcend mortality I know I will find Paul wandering from station to station on the astral plane, eternally breaking people's biscuits in two. And as easy as it is to claim that "biscuit" is the British word for cookie, the British do also have cookies; nobody would say they want to eat a chocolate chip biscuit. And so I am going to be using both of these words, and as I am an American copy editor living in Britain, know that I think whichever word I am using at the time is, if not correct, at least funny.

Campy

In the Sontagian sense of naivete unaware of its own absurdity.

Walker's The Queen's Platinum Jubilee Tin, 12 British pounds ($15)

A box of shortbread with a large photo of the queen as well as two smaller photos of the queen in her youth.
Walker's The Queen's Platinum Jubilee Tin.

Nothing goes great with some shortbread like the grim reminder of life's incessant march. As in Lorado Taft's Fountain of Time, the images on this tin parade by the specter of death, withering as they pass. Can you comprehend that the gamine 25-year-old queen has aged into a 96-year-old woman, and all it took was 70 years? Unbelievable. Only people who produce and export cookies could connive such a striking memento mori.

The second-best feature of this tin is that it says, in all caps, PURE BUTTER SHORTBREAD. The point of a collector's tin is that, in theory, you can put something else in it later. Not for nothing do those Danish butter cookie tins outlive their original purpose. But no matter what this striking vanitas later contains — hamantaschen? these guava bars? — it'll always say PURE BUTTER SHORTBREAD.

Thirsty? Pair it with:

Halcyon Days Strength & Stay Mug Set, $99

This is a completely normal and regular set of mugs to have. It definitely is not weird to have a line drawing of a dead man looking at you while you stir oat milk into your coffee. All the heteronormativity of his-and-hers, but make it colonial.

Design-y

One step beyond merely slapping a picture of the queen on it.

Fortnum's Platinum Jubilee Biscuit Selection, 25 British pounds ($32)

Fortnum & Mason is a 300-year-old department store on Piccadilly known for selling biscuit-filled customizable picnic hampers and a range of Prince Charles's products made from ingredients produced by his Highgrove estate. Also, they serve afternoon tea upstairs in what they call the Diamond Jubilee salon, honoring the 60-year milestone in 2012; they ran a contest this year to discover a Platinum pudding to mark the occasion; and from a case on the ground floor they sell not just glace pineapples, but also glace tomatoes.

Fittingly, F&M has commissioned a graphic of the Imperial State Crown from DesignBridge, which they have plastered on their Jubilee packaging. The crown is composed of emblems "bringing together little known facts that celebrate the Queen's extraordinary life," according to the side of the tin.

This struck me because, on one hand, we are talking about one of the most documented and discussed people ever — and yet, by design, the public has little if any view to her interiority. The symbols comprising the crown hint at pretty well-disseminated queen info: There are horses because she loves horses, and a swan because the queen can claim ownership over the unmarked mute swans in England and Wales. (She does not, as is sometimes said, own all the swans in England, although the crown takes a conservation census of all the swans on the Thames each July.) There is a dorgi, that is, a dachshund-corgi mix, a breed whose creation is credited to the queen herself.

All of this, when viewed in full, makes up the F&M image of the Imperial State Crown; the real deal was most recently seen sitting next to Prince Charles as he read the Conservative government-penned Queen's Speech at the Opening of Parliament in mid-May 2022. This box contains nine varieties of biscuit, but the visual presentation is its own feast, a delicious text on the public role of the monarch.

An open container of biscuits.
Fortnum's Platinum Jubilee Biscuit Selection.

Anyway, time to rank the cookies:

9. Scottish honey

8. Irish barmbrack

7. Chocolate dipped Welsh Aberffraw shell

6. Milk chocolate covered English toffee

5. Irish coffee

4. English strawberries & cream

3. Welsh plum & stem ginger

2. Decorated chocolate & macadamia nut

1. Scottish cranachan

Cranachan is a Scottish dessert of toasted oats layered with whipped cream, with whisky, honey, and raspberries folded in. It's luxurious and gloppy. "Where's my cranachan?" is what I'm always asking. Well, here it is in biscuit form. All these biscuits are pretty good, however, and you get a big ovular tin with a swan and a horse and a dorgi on it.

I would never dunk anything chocolate in a cup of tea, but if you insist, the Royal Collection — the queen's gift shop, more or less — has a couple of mug options for you. Note that at time of writing the Royal Collection shop has suspended orders temporarily because their Jubilee stuff has been so wildly popular, but many of the items are due to be restocked. Maybe sign up for email notifications so you can get ahead of the stragglers:

Royal Collection Machin Design Coffee Mug, 20 British pounds ($25)

Calling all royalist philatelists: This design is named after Arnold Machin, who created the relief portrait in profile of the queen that appeared on British coins between 1967 and 1984, and still graces British postage stamps. The word "iconic," so often bandied about, is literal here; you know this is the queen without the mug saying "her majesty" or "Platinum Jubilee" on it even once.

Royal Collection Platinum Jubilee Floral Emblem Coffee Mug, 25 British pounds ($32)

Stamps not to your fancy? There's also a mug that bears the national symbols of the four U.K. countries and the official Jubilee emblem, which depicts the Imperial State Crown with the numbers 70 traced above it. The design recalls that of Elizabeth's coronation gown, which was similarly embroidered with the English rose, Welsh daffodil, Scottish thistle, and Irish shamrock.

Cute

One of the three aesthetics, fitting for the nation that gave us "Octopus's Garden," Cadbury Creme eggs, and dorgis.

Buckingham Palace x Biscuiteers Platinum Jubilee, 58 British pounds ($75)

An iced gingerbread cutout person with sash, heels, and tiara, and an iced crown cutout cookie.
Two of the options from the Buckingham Palace x Biscuiteers Platinum Jubilee biscuit range.

My plan was to buy this entire biscuit tin. Then I saw the contents displayed at one of the three Royal Collection shops in the vicinity of Buckingham Palace. This tin really contains a lot of cookies — who was going to eat all those cookies? Also, the tin itself has the artwork just stuck on, so you can't even wash it. What kind of keepsake is that?

Luckily, some of these cookies are sold a la carte, so I picked up a crown (St. Edward's this time) and Queenie, a gingerbread Elizabeth II. The crown has edible shimmer on it, and it looks cool. Like every biscuit in the Jubilee tin, it is lightly lemon; in terms of the texture, the packaging says to consume within six months, which I think covers things. I dunked it in tea, and the biscuit became soft immediately without falling apart, while the royal icing (coincidental) stayed crunchy.

If you have £58 and a friend who loves drama, just buy the whole tin. Someone out there does love an array of carefully adorned, thematically congruent biscuits, and this set will delight that person. But if you have to buy just one Biscuiteers item for some reason, get Queenie — if you can get over the idea of eating an entire actual person in effigy. The light ginger flavor is nice, the texture a little chewy.

It comes in a box decorated with an adorable drawing of a gingerbread house, so you can make the joke that maybe a witch lives there, and then open it up to find — ah! The queen! Everyone will have a larf. How jubilant.

If you want that soft, dipped-in-tea biscuit texture:

Emma Bridgewater UK Rainbow Toast Jubilee Tree Planting 1/2 Pint Mug, 22 British pounds ($28)

The Emma Bridgewater aesthetic is cottagecore lite, MacKenzie-Childs with the edge off (if you can imagine). Like two dials to the right of that Audrey Gelman store. It's very summer house to me, painted mugs that seem very heavy; maybe you keep them in your other house because you don't want to use them all of the time, because you might strain your wrist. Many designs to choose from.

Aspirationally impractical

These Jubilees start at year 25 of someone's reign, the next one is at 50, and they're every 10 years after that; Elizabeth II is 96 and if her son becomes king this year, he won't have a Jubilee until he's 98 in 2047 — if he doesn't make it, the counter starts over. So maybe make the most of it now, is all I'm saying.

M&S All Butter Shortbread with Strawberries & Clotted Cream Tin, 8 British pounds ($10)

I propose that the grocery arm of the Marks & Spencer department store chain is a kind of British Trader Joe's analogue, not in the feel — too posh — but because they sell predominantly own-brand products, many of which are one or more of the following: seasonal, indelible, inexplicable, idiosyncratic. This one ticks all four boxes, a Jubilee-edition cookie tin in the shape of a merry-go-round that is also a rotating music box, with strawberries-and-cream shortbread inside. This is plainly a rip-off of a non-Jubilee product from Fortnum & Mason, but it's also much less expensive.

Once you're eating biscuits out of a music box, you may as well go all-out with your tea:

Royal Collection Platinum Jubilee Limited Edition Teacup and Saucer, 225 British pounds ($285)

This is the signature Royal Collection Platinum Jubilee pattern, in the purple shade that's appeared on a number of these products already. Before the advent of synthetic dyes, purple was a hard-to-manufacture, rare color to which royalty had the best access, thus creating an association between purple and kingship that persists to this day. Purple-hued porphyry, for example, was reserved for carvings of emperors in the late Roman Empire, and it's the color of the new Elizabeth Line on the Tube map. So, here it is again, on all manner of Royal Collection merch, ranging from hard candies to this very British little cake to these tea towels.

But, you can't drink out of those. Now, you could buy the entry-level Platinum Jubilee commemorative teacup (65 British pounds, $80). If you intend to revel in pure opulence, however, don't half-ass it: The Limited Edition Teacup and Saucer has gold embellishments and a more prominent, curvaceous handle. Pair it with the Limited Edition Teapot (350 British pounds, $440), which is no better at containing tea than any other teapot, but with this one approaches a level of gaudiness that more restrained teapots can only imagine.

Odds and ends

This thing goes way deeper than just biscuits and mugs.

Talking Tables Royal Platinum Jubilee Party Bundle, 32 British pounds ($40)

This kit comes with everything you need to throw a street party if you can't make it to someone else's: bunting, paper plates, napkins, streamers, balloons, and a disposable cake stand, all featuring a riff on the royal coat of arms, with a lion and unicorn. Honorable mention for the banner inscription reading "one is totally recyclable," which replaces the standard "dieu et mon droit" — French for "God and my right," as in, to rule.

Cath Kidston Jubilee Royal Bouquets Easy Adjust Apron, 26 British pounds ($33)

To anyone missing that late-2000s retro aesthetic, no worries; designer Cath Kidston is still cranking out post-hipster homewares on the high street. The brand's Jubilee design is a frothy portrait of the young queen, bedecked by laurels, ribbons, crowns, and jewels in pinks, lilacs, and baby blues. It's all a little rococo, but you'll need an apron if you're going to attempt any of these grueling Jubilee puddings.

Charbonnel et Walker Queen's Platinum Jubilee Celebration Hamper, 160 British pounds ($200)

Prestat Platinum Jubilee Milk Rhubarb Thins, 22.50 British pounds ($30)

Brits are absolutely blessed to have not one but two separate royal warrant-holding chocolatiers from which to buy Champagne truffles. Sadly, they are both phoning it in a little with their Jubilee offerings. Charbonnel et Walker, housed in a little lightbox of a shop down the Royal Arcade off Piccadilly, has stamped that Imperial State Crown 70 emblem on a couple of its Platinum purple boxes. Prestat, meanwhile, has covered its Jubilee chocolate boxes with an illustrated pattern of the queen's multicolored hats. Like the Machin portrait, it's good design: Show me an image of the queen without showing me the queen. They've plastered this print on a box of assorted chocolates, but their other option is rhubarb milk chocolate discs, seasonably fitting.

A decorative garland of photos of the queen wearing various multicolored hats, hanging outside a brick building.
Some Jubilee decorations on a house in Cadogan Square, West London.
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